April 13, 1998
DATELINE: South Park, Colorado, USA, Earth

I had the rare opportunity to travel to Colorado to interview one of America's newest celebrities, Eric Cartman. For those of you living in a cave for the last several months, Eric is one of the stars of the surprise hit show "South Park". I got the chance to visit South Park Elementary school where I met with Eric Cartman while on break from an upcoming episode.

Weekly Koozbainian: Good afternoon Mr. Cartman.

Eric Cartman: Yeah, yeah, they said there would be cheezy poofs.

WK: Uh, sure, I think there's some over here.

EC: Oh, thanks.

WK: Let's get started, What's it like being a star at such a young age?

EC: Well, I'm glad you asked. I am finally getting the respect that I deserve and people are giving me stuff all the time and cool stuff like that.

WK: Some accuse you of being a racist and a bigot. What do you say to them?

EC: It's all a load of crap. Just cuz, some jews and blacks and other losers don't like what I said it then I'm a fagot. I'm not gay!

WK: No, Cartman, a bigot!

EC: Yeah, that's what I said!

WK: Is it true they're going to make a "South Park" movie?

EC: Yeah, but some A-hole wants to play my part!

WK: That's right. I heard rumors that Marlon Brando was interested in playing your part. He's a great actor you know.

EC: I don't give a rat's ass! Seriously, He can't be me better than me!!!

WK: I'd love to know more about some of your co-stars. Tell me about Chef?

EC: Chef is cool! Last week he brought over that new movie "Kill 'em all, part IV", and my mom was all like, "You shouldn't be watching this" and "It's past your bedtime" and crap like that. So, Chef said he would take her in the bedroom so that I could watch the rest of the movie, ya know. That was cool.

WK: Uh, yeah...Let's change the subject. How about Kyle, Stan, and Kenny?

EC: Those butt-munches are jealous of me. They're all like "Dude, you're T-shirts make you look even fatter than in you are in real life" and I'm all like "Dude, at least I got T-shirts, you hippies gotta share with each other !"

WK: Eric, Isn't that because your fat ass takes up too much of the T-shirt to fit anything else on it?

EC: Shut the hell up!

WK: Sorry, Mr. Cartman. Let me ask what are you doing with your new found fortune?

EC: Fortune?

WK: Yes, many actors that share your popularity are now getting one million dollars per episode.

EC: One Million Dollars?

WK: Yes.

EC: Per Epi...sode? Son-of-a-bitch! Somebody get my agent on the phone!!!!

WK: How much do you get, Eric?

EC: SHUT THE HELL UP! This interview is over! Get out! Somebody get my agent, NOW!!!

That was the end of my interview. Has Eric Cartman's sudden star status changed him? No, his friends tell me he has always been a big jerk. What will happen to Cartman as he gets older? Will he go the way of other child actors into a life of crime or worse, infomercials. Let's at least hope that South Park's moment in the sun will shine on long enough to pull these suburban youngsters along until puberty kicks in.

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